Rewind it

   It order for you guys to understand how I got to where I was today, I need to rewind back to Dec 2013. A month prior things had gotten pretty rocky with me and my Ex. It was like constantly walking on eggshells, worried that with one wrong thing said, he'd break up with me. All of October was like that, ever since he had gone to school, all he wanted to do was be with his friends. I had spent the first few years of our relationship seeing him everyday and suddenly it was like he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. It was crushing! Then suddenly he doesn't think he wants to be with me anymore? When Dec rolled around I thought things had gotten better, he ever got me a Christmas gift of "how much he loved me". But in a matter of a weekend, it was over. Suddenly we're fighting, since he wanted to do school work instead of seeing me, then come to find out he wasn't doing any sort of school work by the looks of it.
  The whole jest of the conversation was him saying, "Whats really holding us together? We're not married, we don't have a kid!"
What the fuck holds a relationship together?! Are you kidding me? LOVE. A mutual attraction that two people want to be together! Millions of people join in a relationship without jumping right into marriage, or having a child together.
The one thing i COULD taste in his words, were what his friends were telling him to say. "Why are you guys really together? You're not married to her, you guys don't have a kid!" As he discussed what he was going to do with his psychotic girlfriend. But just because he didn't buy my love, like his friend, means that by all means he should end it. Right?
So just like that, it was over. I did drive to the house to see him, to be broken up with face to face. I deserved that at the least. This time was different (the last time i did this, a month ago, i was furious, storming up the to house, demanding him to grow a pair and break up with him to my face). This time though, I was calm. I wasn't even that upset, which I guess caught him off guard when I walked up the snowy steps to him and ask if this is how it ends.
And the nerve of him to say, "Call me if you need to talk, I'm still your friend."
Suck my cock buddy, or actually, go suck your buddies. Since you love him so much.

I saw Hancock that night. And cried. He gave me an awkward hug since he wasn't really familiar with these things. The next day I saw Emily, I saw friends. I needed them more than anything. I called my Ex after and asked if we were really doing the right thing. I was so blind sided by the whole thing. When you see your future with someone and they take it all away, there really is a huge hole left in you and you got no clue how to fill it.
At this point to I was seeing a Councilor, I had devolved situational depression and saw her that day to tell her about the break up. All she said to do next when I dropped off his shit, was to simply say nothing. Worked out well when I did just that, that night. My ex seemed more distraught this time around and having gone through a month of torture, trying to hold the relationship together when he clearly wasn't putting in any effort to keep it alive, I felt the first knock on my frozen heart.

Then it was the night I met Rian, the night I downloaded an e-book that helped me through the toughest time, an e-book that made me realize my own faults, a book that gave me hope and gained me my value back once more. I downloaded, "How to get you Ex Back."