In it for the Fun

Rian and Kevin are partners with an interesting relationship. Cutting it short, we’ll say they have open understanding with their partnership. I was sleeping at their house, one they shared with another gay couple, and the first thing we talked about was my weekend.

Rian knew most of my history with my Ex. He was there when I was newly single and suffering from anorexia. He was there for New Years when I wore the red dress which infuriated my Ex enough to delete me from facebook. Rian had also known my plan to get my Ex back, watched me succeed in doing so and then watched as it fall apart. We actually met a day or so after the first break up of me and my Ex. Even though he was a newly acquired friend, I held him in higher standing then most, which was a position he proved he deserved.

“So, are you seeing this Dante guy again?” Kevin asks.

“Well, I’m not sure. He was fun, but I’m leaving so what’s the point in really trying to make this anything…” I’m careful in what I’m saying because I know Rian hates the fact that I’m leaving.

At that moment, my phone starts buzzing with a phone call. Looking at the caller, it’s Dante.

“Speaking of which!” I grab the phone and answer it.

Rian watches me as I chat with Dante, trying to word me something.

“What are you up too?” Dante asks. “I wanna see you again!”

I laugh, “I’m just at my friends house.”

“Can I come over?”

I look at Rian and he finally shouts at me, “Invite him over!”

“Yeah, if you’re okay with gay people,” I say.

“What? Yeah, that’s fine. I’m fine with gay guys,” he laughs and tells me to text him the address.

Rian claps his hands together, looking at me excitedly.

“So, he’s coming over? Oh my God we need more beer!” he runs off.

Kevin comes and sits next to me, handing me a brownie. I take it and look at it strangely, then look at him with a questionable expression.

“It’s a weed brownie,” he giggles. “There’s not a lot in it, but enough to give you a nice body buzz… but don’t tell Rian.”

Sure, why not, I say to myself. Weed was never something I liked doing, but it was my last summer to have whatever kind of fun I wanted. So, why not? The only time I liked being high was the night I broke up with my Ex when I found out he cheated on me. Being high made me not give a shit about it, which overall made it easier to do and get over. A weed brownie? Yeah, sure, looks tasty too.

We both eat it and he asks about how I was doing.

“What do you mean?” I ask back.

Kevin and I had just started getting close, so we were still on a learning-about-each-other bases.

“Well, Rian told me about the email from your Ex… you know… about everything that happened,” he says carefully.

“I feel awesome to be honest. Like, I’m free from everything, truly free,” I thought about it for a moment.

I thought about my Ex’s friend and his too-good-for-him girlfriend. I didn't hate them anymore since they really didn't do anything to deserve it. Right then, my chest felt less tense. Or even looking ahead. Knowing that I was going to make my summer as long as possible since I was leaving the last week of August. Truly, madly, deeply, I felt like I was finally able to embrace the single life. I was finally letting loose and doing whatever the fuck I wanted without feeling shitty about anything.

“Well, that’s good then. Your Ex was a douche anyway. Even in high school he was a huge dick.”

“He was okay. He was nice to me…” Even saying it, I knew what a false statement it was.

“Oh, okay!” Kevin shakes his head at me. “I never understood why he was such an asshole to you, when you were always nice to him.”

“Yeah… no matter what I did, or tried to do… he was never going to be happy,” I say.

It was nice hearing that from someone from the outside, who saw our relationship as a third party. The day prior when I had be texting, Jacob, he had said almost the same thing.

‘You were always nice and happy. He was always mad and unhappy. I never understood why he was such an asshole to you.’

To have a second person saying almost the same thing about my Ex, made me realize it wasn't just me who saw him for who he really was, and hopefully my other friends that still hung out with him would see the same things.

After a while my pocket goes off again with another phone call from Dante. He’s here and wants to know where to park. I dart outside to see a shinny, black mustang pull up. It’s the new one, with a black interiors and red lights. Holy crap, was I really hanging out with that guy?

“Hey you!” I shout over to him and point him to a parking spot.

My insides start to jump around and I find myself nervous. In what way though? I’m asking myself a million ‘why’ questions because I don’t know how I could be suddenly feeling this. Maybe it was the uncertainty about him, or how this could be my summer fling.

He gets out of his car and we walk toward each other. The first things I notice are his shoes, they’re the clicking Italian shoes and his hair it’s perfectly cut, lines and all, he’s well manicured. So, he takes care of himself.

We stop in front of each other and he gives me a sly, crooked smile.

“Can I have a kiss?”

“Well, of course,” I say, going in for it.

And.

It’s just as good as I remembered. His lips are smooth and press into mine. Without any effort we’re in sync, my body reacts and leans into him a little more, with my hands on his hips. He slides his hands down to my lower back and we break apart, giving me this dirty grin.

“May I?”

I think for a split second about his question. All I want to do his kiss him all day, see what makes him tick, and have him desire me. My comfort zone no longer exists. 

“Go for it,” I answer him, for inside my answer is to go with the flow.

As he grabs my ass I feel like I could burst out giggling because every bit of this is so new, that I find humor in my current decisions. Dante kisses me again, a little more intensely and we’re back to making out. He gives my lips a nibble before it’s time to meet my friends.

“This way,” I walk beside him, almost laughing when his shoes start clicking on the ground again. 

My gay friends love him. At one point Rian takes me aside and gushes over how attractive Dante is. This is when I notice that he is in fact very handsome. Maybe that’s why I am so nervous around him. The whole evening felt like I was testing the waters as he held my hand, put his arm around me and rubbed my arm. Or how he complimented me and thought I looked cute. Dante was easy to get along with, even with having just met my gay friends, he acted like he’d known them for awhile.

After we had a few beers, we all go out for Chinese food. Dante drove me, while Rian and Kevin take their car. I hold Dante’s hand while we speed down the river front and couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with excitement. It was hard not to giggle.

As we neared the restaurant, Dante gave my hand a little squeeze and at that moment I remember my Ex used to do that.

When my Ex wanted my attention, he’d give my hand a little squeeze and I’d squeeze back. It was like a little game sometimes, because if we didn't squeeze back, we’d squeeze harder to the point of almost breaking each other’s fingers. It was times like that, that made me miss him. It was the little things like that, which made me cherish the display of affection. Then, even this sweet memory is suddenly burned right before my eyes, because all I can think was that I meant nothing to him. When you cheat on someone, can you really say they meant something to you?

When someone means something to you, they almost become an entity of value, and if broken or lost, you can’t help but feel upset or sad. You want nothing more than to have that person unbroken, safe. So when you cheat on someone, you’re deliberately breaking them. My Ex proved to me that he didn't value me, breaking me on purpose and waiting around for someone else to clean up the mess. Even holding Dante’s hand couldn't prevent me from shivering with hatred.

I looked over at Dante and some of that pain ebbed, but when he smiled and blew me a kiss, it all went away.

“I really wanted to see you tonight,” he says.

We reached a set of lights.

“Really?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

Because it felt like my Ex never wanted to see me.

“Um, I’m not sure…”

“I’m glad you messaged me today too. You’re not one of those girls who wait a few days and shit. I can’t stand those kinds of games.”

“I’m not one of those girls.”

Even after dinner he stays late and when I walk him back to his car around 1 in the morning, he asks a strange question.

“Just to get it out there, but what do you want from me?”

And he says this without any aggression as I watch his body language. He gives me a sly smile, his teeth white and perfectly straight, as he waits for my answer.

What do I really want?

“Well, Grand Bend was fun. You know I’m leaving and I did have a good time with you over the weekend, even though it was only for a short amount of time… so I just want to have fun this summer.”

“Deal,” he laughs.

We kiss and it feels a bit different, I’m not sure what to make of it. My heart beats harder and I feel shaky, pumped with this unknown excitement. The kiss goes on a little longer, our hands do some hesitant exploring. I’m smirking the whole time we’re making out. I don’t really know why.

We break apart and look at each other with a strange questionable look, like we’re both thinking the same thing. Just our luck.

Rian waits for me on the porch and I know he probably watched the whole thing, because he giving me his dirty grin.

“You have a bounce in your step,” he says, “You seem happy.”

“I am.”

At the same time, a wave of fear hits me. Not even a month ago, I had broken up with my Ex, went out on a few dates, made out with a handful of guys, but how is it that this guy is making me feel such giddiness? How did I even land this kind of guy? Even my gay friends gush over him.

Just because it’s a long shot doesn't mean it can’t happen.