Rewind it Pt 2

How to Get Your Ex Back proved to be worth the 30$. I followed that thing 100% of the way, even the scripts it had out for me to send to people via text. The first step to this book was to NOT text my Ex for 21 days. So, that's what I did. It said to keep him on Facebook (since he'll be checking up on me-EVEN though during his break speech, my Ex said that he wouldn't be on Facebook at all. ... Ha!)
As I devoured every word of this book, at a sleep over with Rian (after been a week since meeting him), I even followed the step to delete my Ex from my phone. Which was the hardest step to do! Week one's step were pretty simple, post pictures of me having fun (Work Christmas party that weekend after, which Rian was at, which we took pictures together since he doesn't come across Gay until you meet him.) Never once did I check my Ex's Facebook either, I just couldn't and I'm glad I didn't because it proved to me that I was a strong person. I also was supposed to come up with a list of thing I hated about him, but of course I couldn't because I "loved" him. Shot me now, looking back on this shit. Anyways...

The first portion of this book had a lot of great advise too. He didn't break up with me because I got fat, or i was ugly or anything superficial, but that I lost my value to him. And this book was going to help me gain it back! Which it the long run, boosted my self esteem and made me happier with the outcome. It basically said, go out there and get a hobby, workout, learn something new. I took up photography and took a graphic animation online course to spend my time. Instead of moping around the house and crying into my mothers lap.

For the next week I was too go out on dates! But I couldnt. I was too heart broken to even give a guy a chance, but since the book called for it, I decided to ask out a guy on a coffee date...ish...kinda...thing. He was super nice and was down for it. And the book told me to post it on Facebook, but not be too obvious about it. So i simply put, "Out for Coffee :) ". Harmless enough. Not naming anyone, not making it seem like a big deal. The date went really well, but there was no way my heart was going to let anyone in at this point. No, I wasn't necessarily using him to get back at my Ex, he was actually someone I wanted to get to know because of our common interests with animation. But of course being with my Ex didnt allow me to go out with this guy and get to know him better!

(For a side note, second week in and I was still struggling with sleeping, smiling and coming to terms with the break up. Luckily I had my friends reaching out to me. Some just texting me to make sure I smiled that day! Others, proved that they didn't deserve my friendship and instead started causing drama and rumors about me. Even after they realized they had been wrong with their assumptions. Once a cunt always a cunt. No need for drama causing bitches in my life!)

So two weeks in, and I was still crying in my car on my way to work (Thank God for water proof mascara) I was still crying at every lovey dovey song to come on. Pink's song "Try" came out at that time. Hit me hard, that's for sure. Crying is the best therapy though. The book's next step was to message someone who was in frequent contact with my Ex, and send them something talking about the date and going out with this guy. So I did just that. I texted his friends girlfriend and literally went word for word with the books script. Worked like a charm. She ate up every word.

Week three was dreadful, and on Christmas was the 21st day. I messaged him a short, Merry Christmas, and he did reply, short chit chat, but the book said NOT to lead the conversation. So i didn't and it ended after 5 messages. Didn't message him after that. And New years eve came along and I had been saving this awesome, sexy dress for it! Me and my friends, including Rian and Derek, took loads of pictures, of my sexy dress (which got a TON of likes on Facebook, so THAT would have made the news feed!). After that, about three days after, I finally checked his Facebook. It was like giving myself a heart attack on purpose.

The worst happened.... he fucking deleted me.

Rewind it

   It order for you guys to understand how I got to where I was today, I need to rewind back to Dec 2013. A month prior things had gotten pretty rocky with me and my Ex. It was like constantly walking on eggshells, worried that with one wrong thing said, he'd break up with me. All of October was like that, ever since he had gone to school, all he wanted to do was be with his friends. I had spent the first few years of our relationship seeing him everyday and suddenly it was like he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. It was crushing! Then suddenly he doesn't think he wants to be with me anymore? When Dec rolled around I thought things had gotten better, he ever got me a Christmas gift of "how much he loved me". But in a matter of a weekend, it was over. Suddenly we're fighting, since he wanted to do school work instead of seeing me, then come to find out he wasn't doing any sort of school work by the looks of it.
  The whole jest of the conversation was him saying, "Whats really holding us together? We're not married, we don't have a kid!"
What the fuck holds a relationship together?! Are you kidding me? LOVE. A mutual attraction that two people want to be together! Millions of people join in a relationship without jumping right into marriage, or having a child together.
The one thing i COULD taste in his words, were what his friends were telling him to say. "Why are you guys really together? You're not married to her, you guys don't have a kid!" As he discussed what he was going to do with his psychotic girlfriend. But just because he didn't buy my love, like his friend, means that by all means he should end it. Right?
So just like that, it was over. I did drive to the house to see him, to be broken up with face to face. I deserved that at the least. This time was different (the last time i did this, a month ago, i was furious, storming up the to house, demanding him to grow a pair and break up with him to my face). This time though, I was calm. I wasn't even that upset, which I guess caught him off guard when I walked up the snowy steps to him and ask if this is how it ends.
And the nerve of him to say, "Call me if you need to talk, I'm still your friend."
Suck my cock buddy, or actually, go suck your buddies. Since you love him so much.

I saw Hancock that night. And cried. He gave me an awkward hug since he wasn't really familiar with these things. The next day I saw Emily, I saw friends. I needed them more than anything. I called my Ex after and asked if we were really doing the right thing. I was so blind sided by the whole thing. When you see your future with someone and they take it all away, there really is a huge hole left in you and you got no clue how to fill it.
At this point to I was seeing a Councilor, I had devolved situational depression and saw her that day to tell her about the break up. All she said to do next when I dropped off his shit, was to simply say nothing. Worked out well when I did just that, that night. My ex seemed more distraught this time around and having gone through a month of torture, trying to hold the relationship together when he clearly wasn't putting in any effort to keep it alive, I felt the first knock on my frozen heart.

Then it was the night I met Rian, the night I downloaded an e-book that helped me through the toughest time, an e-book that made me realize my own faults, a book that gave me hope and gained me my value back once more. I downloaded, "How to get you Ex Back."

Entering in Summer Fun

I stood in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. How did I get so skinny? You could see the engraved lines down to lower region and my thighs didn't touch anymore. Damn, I looked good. It was good timing to look this good, since I noticed Dante's charming and striking good looks, I was suddenly feeling insecure. How did a guy like him sudden want to be with me? To want to hang out and find me attractive where our lips find a way to each others. I never felt like this before, to solely 'want' someone. Or did I actually have feelings for him?

Nope. I need to not think of that. That's dangerous territory that he even agreed too. The one time in his car, right after we had kissed, I joked and said "Don't be falling in love now." Even though a little bit of me hoped we would, just a little bit before I left. It would make such a romantic ending to my summer before I escaped Windsor's suffocating memories.

Confidence was the key and boy was I nervous. Could I stand in the ranks of attractive, charming people? I remember thinking about all the drama those 'Pretty People' had to deal with, competition was fierce when you go up against model looking Ex girlfriends, or bright future, well rounded guys who dated those model looking girls. And then, when you think you're top five good looking in the room, you meet someone whose energy and vibrancy lights up, getting every ones attention. How do you win? How do you to stay in top spot when you've only just made it to those ranks?

As I walked back into the spare room, where Dante waited, trying to stay confident, going over everything I knew about sex, moves to throw and things to say. I could feel the strain of NOT showing how nervous I was, creeping up. Dante gave me a sexy smile and took off his shirt. For a brief moment he gave me a questionable look like he was second guessing our plans.

"So...are we..."

"We're going to have sex," I cut in more abruptly than I meant. I smile to redeem myself. "Take off your clothes."

He laughs (Thank God!) and begins excitedly ripping off his jeans. Nice body he got. Muscles, well shaped, tanned, trimmed chest, well taken care of (dah!). He sits and watches as I pull off my top and my shorts fall to my ankle revealing matching undies and bra. I tighten my stomach (silly I know, but who doesn't do that? He's hot, I needed to look like I had SOME abs).

He smiles again and grabs my hips, pulling me to him.

"I have been wanting to have sex with you, since I met you."

And that was all I needed to hear.

The Groups

Right before I was about to purpose to Dante to sleep over, Jeremy of all people came stumbling down the stairs. It was a bit of a surprise seeing him, (and weird since I haven't seen him since me and my Ex first broke up) he had his hair cut short and looked like he had been drinking too many beers in the last couple of months. He gave me a wicked grin as he eyed Dante and I, his eyebrows giving away his thoughts. He knew what we were up too.

"Sorry, guys! Was I interrupting?"

"Nah, it's fine. How've you been?"

"No, no, I don't want to disturb you guys," he turned to go up the stairs and that when I notice that someone was behind him. Weird.

Couldn't have been Hancock, since he'd have stormed down here and joined us. Maybe Jeremy brought a friend?

"So these are your friends, eh?" Dante stats pulling me closer to him.

"Well, this is like, Group #2," I answer him, "You still have yet to meet Group 1, the top group of them all!"

I had a system with my groups. I only really developed it when I started bringing new boys around. Dante and I had a on going joke, where if he failed with one group, he couldn't move onto the next one. It was our little game. Yet, it wasn't like he had anything to worry about since he'd just charm them with his good looks and outgoing personality.

He passed with flying colours with Group #4, my gay friends. The standings went like this:

Group 4 were my gay friends, they were newly acquired to my life but had quickly become an important group of people. They were easy to get along with and had some pretty good  opinions on males. So ideally, they were the first group to pass.

Group 3 was Jacob, his girlfriend Mags and Jacobs three other brothers, along with their friends. There were a pretty big group, but they were fun. They were group number three since I'd known them for the four years I dated my Ex, becoming decently close with and the people whom we took trips with. Many nights I spent playing video games in their lair, or camping trips and drunken shenanigans. So if any one could get along with such a assorted group of people, that was a pass.

Group #2 consisted of Hancock (and a few of our mutual friends) but the person to impress was Hancock himself. If Hancock didn't like you, then you were going to have a hard time making it to the final group. Hancock was my best friend, whose opinion I'd always take into consideration and who was always looking out for my best interest. And so far, he liked Dante.

Group #1 was the 'Couples" group. They'd be the ones I'd bring a boyfriend too. That group consisted of Jillian and Desmond, and Jeremy and The Snot. But from recent complications, if Dante made it to group 1, he'd only have to impress Jillian and Desmond since The Snot was no longer apart of my life (haven't chosen my Ex over me isn't being a very honest friend). And seeing Jeremy tonight, alone, could only conclude that there might be trouble in their sad bubble of a life.

So Dante hitting group #2 and passing, it was only a matter of time before he got to meet the final group.

At the moment, as I watched him talk about his schooling, all what was on my mind was to bang him. Tonight.

Work Hard and Play Hard

We obeyed no rules and took nothing for granted. I woke the next morning and felt last nights events take effect on my body, but I didn't care. We all had one last summer to do this, it seemed, before our jobs took us away and careers consumed our laid back  lifestyle.

Hancock was already awake and making a greasy breakfast which was a standard routine for morning such as this one. He handed over my phone and gave me a smirk.

“You have 20 unread messages.”

I looked. Yep, I was miss popular last night. Considering what we had done and the way it all made me feel, I was glad I didn't have it with me. Most of the messages were from Dante wanting to see me and asking to hang out. He even sent me videos of the party he had been at. The thing I found myself liking about him was his humor.

“You inviting your new man to my party tonight?”

“What? Dante? Yeah, I’ll bring him. He’s cool, I think you’re gonna like him.”

“Better! Sick of douche bags like your Ex. Don’t. Ever. Date. Him. Again.”

“I know, I know,” I say watching Hancock shake a spatula at me, flinging bites of bacon grease on the floor.

He put his hands on his hips and that’s when I notice his attire. He wore just an apron with only his under wear and socks pulled up as high as they could go.

“Hancock where the hell is the rest of your clothes?” I shake my head at him and continue going through the messages.

“This is my house! You’re lucky I’m not naked. I sleep naked you know. Freaks some girls out.”

“The ones you bring home? Really?” Again I shake my head at him, wondering where his logic was sometimes.

He had already been apart of the Fun Culture for some time now, before my first break up with my Ex. He had a girl, worth every minute of his time, she brought out a happiness in him that I never knew could exist. But then, one day after the perfect weekend together, she broke up with him. For such a good reason that it was hard for him to get over it.

Since then he had his girls, he liked his parties and developed his lifestyle and suddenly became apart of Fun Culture. Yet, it wasn't like he had a high number of people he’s slept with either, he just went out and had whatever fun he wanted.

Finally, here I was, just stepping into the Fun. Already I wanted to start racking in some numbers, not anything out of hand, but a good amount… for experience if anything. There was only one objective now, to make the summer as long as possible. Hancock talked about inviting Jeremy for tonight, joking that he was going to bail.

We ate our hangover breakfast as Matty rolled out of one of the spare rooms. Without saying much, he ate what was left of our food from last night and made his way home. I started inviting friends to Hancock's party and we started re-arranging the house to be party proof. Rian was coming without his partner and couldn't wait to stare at Dante all night. Dante was 100% down to hangout and inside grew an excitement.

I knew what I wanted that night and if things played out just right, I was going to bang Dante. I was actually glad that we didn't bang the first night of meeting, because I found that waiting this long was going to be worth it. Another boundary to push and hey, I figured waiting this week was long enough. It wasn’t going to be a one night-er, at least I didn't hope. I didn't know what Dante’s expectation of this was, nor did I, other than we just were going to have some fun. If the fun lasted until the end of the weekend, then so be it. If it lasts all summer, then this summer will definitely top them all. 

“Jeremy says he’s coming tonight,” Hancock says checking his phone.

“That’s great… I guess?”

Hancock shrugs.

“I think him and The Snot broke up. He’s all, ‘yeah I'll come hang out.’ So I’m assuming she’s not hovering over his phone to tell him not to be texting me.”

“Maybe. It’ll be interesting to see what he has to say if they did.”

“Maybe. Maybe he cheated on her.”

“Sad to say, but I hope so. Then she’d know how I felt. Stupid girl.”

  

There were boys galore, but I had my eyes set on Dante. He charmed Hancock and socialized with everyone, allowing me to talk with my friends, without having to worry about him. It was nice to know I could leave him alone and know he was going to be fine. Dante joked and did shots with Hancock, immediately becoming pals. Sometimes, Dante would look over at me and give me a sly wink and a smirk, then go back into the conversation. Boy did he know how to flirt.

Even when I joined him, he slung his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek like we were an item. There was this electric pulse between us, whenever I caught his eye, I’d even think dirty thoughts, anticipating high hopes for later in the evening.

The best part about it was the fact Hancock and I put on the vinyl, played some oldies like The Eagles, and this, preppy, well put together, downtown go-er of a Italian, (Dante) knew and sang all the words. He even had a look at our collection and picked out some Led Zeppelin.

Soon we sat by ourselves in the basement after a few rounds of pool, which he so cleverly won at, and chatted on the couch. I placed my body half across him, face to face to create a more intimate atmosphere. All at once his features popped out at me and I realized why Rian thought he was so attractive. (Not to mention Rian had been creeping him the whole party.)

Dante was your conventionally pretty boy. Everything was symmetrical, and little things like his eyelashes and eyebrows, had an enhanced fullness to completely his features. You could tell that he put a lot into his appearance but at the same time it came naturally to him, you could tell. I began to like how he took care of himself. Even his smile was a skill.

He showed me homemade songs that him and his friends had done, and flipped through his phone as he told me stories of girls he had dated before. I kept asking questions because it all intrigued me, I even asked to creep their Facebook, so we did, we creeped them together. 

“I've never done something like this, you know,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

He looks at his phone thoughtfully and give me that smile I was admiring, “Talked to a girl about all these things.”

“Oh?” was all I could really reply back to him.

What was he getting at? Maybe this was just one of his ploys when he goes out with girls to sleep with them? Was this just another way to play the game? Even so, I was in this game too. Some of these ploys, used skillfully enough, might come in handy one day. They were skills that I felt I needed for the Fun Culture if I were to continue summer like this. 

It was skill to step back and live without getting attached. To have a love affair like a summer fling and be strong enough to move away to the west was the skill I needed to acquire. That's when it hit me, I was obviously attracted to Dante and enjoyed his company and wanted to hangout with him as the time if I was able. So taking the step to sleep with him was a big one. I never had a bang-buddy before and whenever I watched movies about it, it all had the same kind of ending. The two fuck-buddies ended up together. But for us, Dante and I, I was leaving and he knew it, so maybe this thing we had that was catching fire was going to be set ablaze for the summer, only because it had that all-so-mighty "Expiration Date". 

The Fun, but only for Fun Culture!

As Hancock placed the white wine on the table, excitement filled my lungs, then my stomach and then every bit of me. I think it was more of the freedom of being able to do whatever I wanted that made it that much more important to do this. He explained the wine helped the buzz last longer and made it a little better. So as we discussed the schedule of the lines of cocaine we were about to do, I could feel my phone vibrate.

It was Dante. He wanted to see me, asking what I was up too and wanting to hang out.

“Hey, Dante wants to hangout…” I say to Hancock, a little hesitant.

“What? Tonight? Dude, you're doing cocaine, you better not invite a boy that you’re wanting to bang. You need a sound mind to make decisions,” he replied, even though he did want to meet Dante because I did nothing but talk about him this past week, but he was right. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Give me your phone. So you don’t do anything you'll regret.”

I handed my phone over and he went off into one of the rooms of his empty apartment to hide it.

We sat at the glass coffee table as Hancock cut the lines, getting ready for the first round. We were already done the glasses of wine, and this was it. He rolled up a 100$ bill and did a line first. 

He handed me the bill and with confidance I placed the tip at the end of one of the lines and inhaled, all of it. You almost breathe in too much, making sure you don’t miss a molecule. Right after that inhale, you can taste the chemical in your nose and in the back of your throat. For a brief moment you wait, thinking it’s going hit you, but it doesn't. You end up sniffing like a dog, and suddenly your nose goes numb, but still you don’t actually feel it.

It’s exciting though. I laugh right after and Hancock pats me on the back, saying how proud he is, which was a ridiculous thing to say.

So while we waited for it to hit, we drank another glass of wine, cranked up the music and chatted about random shit, but overall felt great. As we talked and danced like idiots, I felt the euphoric feeling increase and everything was fantastic.

We pranced around his kitchen, throwing dance moves, getting the finger guns out, singing at the top of our lungs. Everything was stupendous. I wanted to tell everyone how awesome tonight was going.

Matty showed up and brought more cocaine, heard we were having a Movie Night and decided to join. Hancock had a pool table, so we played rounds, lines in between each, continued the madness.

It was one of those moments where you realized you've let go. I had felt so restrained with life, like I wasn't fun anymore, yet here I was, doing drugs, drinking and living carelessly. I had a boy who actually wanted to see me, a boy I could make my summer boy, to bang, to kiss and to spend time with before I move out west.

Ever since I had been back from Grand Bend, life has been more bright, more wonderful. I had seen pictures of that dreadful couple that didn't deserve happiness on Facebook, posting God-awful photos of their weekend, yet I didn't care anymore. It didn't bug me. They can be as happy as they wanted and I didn't care anymore, I felt the positive energy course through me.

Was it the cocaine? Was it my summer having an expiry date that made everything so much more awesome? I wasn't really sure but it felt great, I did feel a new found pump and thunder pressure in my heart that made me love the place I was at in my life.

We did more lines and talked about relationships. Hancock noted Jeremy's suddenly existence, texting him to hang out. Which was weird from our stand point, because Jeremy's girlfriend was crazy. We referred to her as ‘The Snot’ since she was completely stuck up. Her and I used to be friends and I thought after the break up with my Ex that she’d be one of my ‘loyal’ friends, but proved to be an enemy. She caused unwanted drama during a difficult time in my life, when I needed my friends the most. And there she was, talking shit about me behind my back. Not to mention, she forbade Jeremy to hang out with Hancock and I. It was like, as I became single, I became a threat to her.

Actually, I felt that way with my friends who had boyfriends. It was like I was a threat and that their pretty blonde friend was suddenly single and out to get their boyfriends. And The Snot made it seem like I was out to cause trouble in her perfect world, living in her parents basement with Jeremy. So she decided to become allies with my Ex instead.

Hancock one the other hand, was Jeremy’s best guy friend, but the ‘bad influence’ in The Snots eyes. When my relationship fell apart, she banned Hancock from Jeremy’s life and chose to replace him with my Ex. Which to me, made no sense.

Think about it. When I told them I was back with my Ex (after the first break up) she berated me, saying how I was stupid for giving him another chance, how he was a terrible boyfriend. When my Ex cheated on me, I broke up with him since clearly we weren't on the same page. It wasn't my fault he wanted the reputation as Cheating Scrum bag.

But The Snot decided to replace Hancock, the Bad Influence, with a Cheating Scum? She was almost asking Jeremy to cheat on her. Everyone know that’s their boyfriends do in fact take on traits and habits of their friends. That’s why guys never see their best guy friend after he gets married. No girl wants their boyfriend hanging out with single guys.

So for Jeremy to suddenly be texting Hancock to hangout seemed out of the blue. So we ignored the fact, smoked pot, drank and did the last of the coke. We had no fear in us, for tomorrow was just another adventure waiting to be discovered or at least held onto and stored for another great moment.

I felt great and sure, the cocaine was probably a big influence, but I loved my life at that moment, and saw no darkness ahead. I saw late nights, fun times, and last but not least, careless living.  

Movie Night

A few days go by and my nights are filled with last night conversations with Dante. It’s a funny feeling to get a little excited when receiving a text from someone right before I head to bed. I started lacking sleep, but I don’t care, this is the last summer and the only way to make it as long as possible is to take away my sleep time.

Thursday at work was dreadful, having only three hours of sleep from an indulging late night conversation with Dante, I felt like death. The only thing that brought me into a right frame of mind was the one Hot Box Guy, Damian. I haven’t even had a conversation with this guy and I find him interesting. He has this cool, laid back nature, yet he knows what he’s doing more than the other new guys. The way he ambles his way around Costco, never really talking to anyone, but somehow finding his way near my station, just brings me to want to get to know him.

The closer he gets to my aisle, the more I give him a good look. He’s skinny like my Ex, with the same brown hair and dark eyes, but has a different structure facial features. My Ex was very symmetrical, bland, handsome yet boring features. When Damian had rounded eyebrow arches with rosy cheeks and a mocking laugh-at-you kind of smile where his lips stretched.

Right before I clocked out of work, I attempt going to say something to him. But right at that moment, Hancock messaged me a single sentence, which made me drop every plan I originally had and get pumped for tonight. All he said was:

“We’re going to the movies tonight.”

Which is our code for doing cocaine. Man was I thrilled. Hancock had asked me awhile ago if I’d ever be down, and since I wasn't with my Ex anymore, I was free game. 

In it for the Fun

Rian and Kevin are partners with an interesting relationship. Cutting it short, we’ll say they have open understanding with their partnership. I was sleeping at their house, one they shared with another gay couple, and the first thing we talked about was my weekend.

Rian knew most of my history with my Ex. He was there when I was newly single and suffering from anorexia. He was there for New Years when I wore the red dress which infuriated my Ex enough to delete me from facebook. Rian had also known my plan to get my Ex back, watched me succeed in doing so and then watched as it fall apart. We actually met a day or so after the first break up of me and my Ex. Even though he was a newly acquired friend, I held him in higher standing then most, which was a position he proved he deserved.

“So, are you seeing this Dante guy again?” Kevin asks.

“Well, I’m not sure. He was fun, but I’m leaving so what’s the point in really trying to make this anything…” I’m careful in what I’m saying because I know Rian hates the fact that I’m leaving.

At that moment, my phone starts buzzing with a phone call. Looking at the caller, it’s Dante.

“Speaking of which!” I grab the phone and answer it.

Rian watches me as I chat with Dante, trying to word me something.

“What are you up too?” Dante asks. “I wanna see you again!”

I laugh, “I’m just at my friends house.”

“Can I come over?”

I look at Rian and he finally shouts at me, “Invite him over!”

“Yeah, if you’re okay with gay people,” I say.

“What? Yeah, that’s fine. I’m fine with gay guys,” he laughs and tells me to text him the address.

Rian claps his hands together, looking at me excitedly.

“So, he’s coming over? Oh my God we need more beer!” he runs off.

Kevin comes and sits next to me, handing me a brownie. I take it and look at it strangely, then look at him with a questionable expression.

“It’s a weed brownie,” he giggles. “There’s not a lot in it, but enough to give you a nice body buzz… but don’t tell Rian.”

Sure, why not, I say to myself. Weed was never something I liked doing, but it was my last summer to have whatever kind of fun I wanted. So, why not? The only time I liked being high was the night I broke up with my Ex when I found out he cheated on me. Being high made me not give a shit about it, which overall made it easier to do and get over. A weed brownie? Yeah, sure, looks tasty too.

We both eat it and he asks about how I was doing.

“What do you mean?” I ask back.

Kevin and I had just started getting close, so we were still on a learning-about-each-other bases.

“Well, Rian told me about the email from your Ex… you know… about everything that happened,” he says carefully.

“I feel awesome to be honest. Like, I’m free from everything, truly free,” I thought about it for a moment.

I thought about my Ex’s friend and his too-good-for-him girlfriend. I didn't hate them anymore since they really didn't do anything to deserve it. Right then, my chest felt less tense. Or even looking ahead. Knowing that I was going to make my summer as long as possible since I was leaving the last week of August. Truly, madly, deeply, I felt like I was finally able to embrace the single life. I was finally letting loose and doing whatever the fuck I wanted without feeling shitty about anything.

“Well, that’s good then. Your Ex was a douche anyway. Even in high school he was a huge dick.”

“He was okay. He was nice to me…” Even saying it, I knew what a false statement it was.

“Oh, okay!” Kevin shakes his head at me. “I never understood why he was such an asshole to you, when you were always nice to him.”

“Yeah… no matter what I did, or tried to do… he was never going to be happy,” I say.

It was nice hearing that from someone from the outside, who saw our relationship as a third party. The day prior when I had be texting, Jacob, he had said almost the same thing.

‘You were always nice and happy. He was always mad and unhappy. I never understood why he was such an asshole to you.’

To have a second person saying almost the same thing about my Ex, made me realize it wasn't just me who saw him for who he really was, and hopefully my other friends that still hung out with him would see the same things.

After a while my pocket goes off again with another phone call from Dante. He’s here and wants to know where to park. I dart outside to see a shinny, black mustang pull up. It’s the new one, with a black interiors and red lights. Holy crap, was I really hanging out with that guy?

“Hey you!” I shout over to him and point him to a parking spot.

My insides start to jump around and I find myself nervous. In what way though? I’m asking myself a million ‘why’ questions because I don’t know how I could be suddenly feeling this. Maybe it was the uncertainty about him, or how this could be my summer fling.

He gets out of his car and we walk toward each other. The first things I notice are his shoes, they’re the clicking Italian shoes and his hair it’s perfectly cut, lines and all, he’s well manicured. So, he takes care of himself.

We stop in front of each other and he gives me a sly, crooked smile.

“Can I have a kiss?”

“Well, of course,” I say, going in for it.

And.

It’s just as good as I remembered. His lips are smooth and press into mine. Without any effort we’re in sync, my body reacts and leans into him a little more, with my hands on his hips. He slides his hands down to my lower back and we break apart, giving me this dirty grin.

“May I?”

I think for a split second about his question. All I want to do his kiss him all day, see what makes him tick, and have him desire me. My comfort zone no longer exists. 

“Go for it,” I answer him, for inside my answer is to go with the flow.

As he grabs my ass I feel like I could burst out giggling because every bit of this is so new, that I find humor in my current decisions. Dante kisses me again, a little more intensely and we’re back to making out. He gives my lips a nibble before it’s time to meet my friends.

“This way,” I walk beside him, almost laughing when his shoes start clicking on the ground again. 

My gay friends love him. At one point Rian takes me aside and gushes over how attractive Dante is. This is when I notice that he is in fact very handsome. Maybe that’s why I am so nervous around him. The whole evening felt like I was testing the waters as he held my hand, put his arm around me and rubbed my arm. Or how he complimented me and thought I looked cute. Dante was easy to get along with, even with having just met my gay friends, he acted like he’d known them for awhile.

After we had a few beers, we all go out for Chinese food. Dante drove me, while Rian and Kevin take their car. I hold Dante’s hand while we speed down the river front and couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with excitement. It was hard not to giggle.

As we neared the restaurant, Dante gave my hand a little squeeze and at that moment I remember my Ex used to do that.

When my Ex wanted my attention, he’d give my hand a little squeeze and I’d squeeze back. It was like a little game sometimes, because if we didn't squeeze back, we’d squeeze harder to the point of almost breaking each other’s fingers. It was times like that, that made me miss him. It was the little things like that, which made me cherish the display of affection. Then, even this sweet memory is suddenly burned right before my eyes, because all I can think was that I meant nothing to him. When you cheat on someone, can you really say they meant something to you?

When someone means something to you, they almost become an entity of value, and if broken or lost, you can’t help but feel upset or sad. You want nothing more than to have that person unbroken, safe. So when you cheat on someone, you’re deliberately breaking them. My Ex proved to me that he didn't value me, breaking me on purpose and waiting around for someone else to clean up the mess. Even holding Dante’s hand couldn't prevent me from shivering with hatred.

I looked over at Dante and some of that pain ebbed, but when he smiled and blew me a kiss, it all went away.

“I really wanted to see you tonight,” he says.

We reached a set of lights.

“Really?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

Because it felt like my Ex never wanted to see me.

“Um, I’m not sure…”

“I’m glad you messaged me today too. You’re not one of those girls who wait a few days and shit. I can’t stand those kinds of games.”

“I’m not one of those girls.”

Even after dinner he stays late and when I walk him back to his car around 1 in the morning, he asks a strange question.

“Just to get it out there, but what do you want from me?”

And he says this without any aggression as I watch his body language. He gives me a sly smile, his teeth white and perfectly straight, as he waits for my answer.

What do I really want?

“Well, Grand Bend was fun. You know I’m leaving and I did have a good time with you over the weekend, even though it was only for a short amount of time… so I just want to have fun this summer.”

“Deal,” he laughs.

We kiss and it feels a bit different, I’m not sure what to make of it. My heart beats harder and I feel shaky, pumped with this unknown excitement. The kiss goes on a little longer, our hands do some hesitant exploring. I’m smirking the whole time we’re making out. I don’t really know why.

We break apart and look at each other with a strange questionable look, like we’re both thinking the same thing. Just our luck.

Rian waits for me on the porch and I know he probably watched the whole thing, because he giving me his dirty grin.

“You have a bounce in your step,” he says, “You seem happy.”

“I am.”

At the same time, a wave of fear hits me. Not even a month ago, I had broken up with my Ex, went out on a few dates, made out with a handful of guys, but how is it that this guy is making me feel such giddiness? How did I even land this kind of guy? Even my gay friends gush over him.

Just because it’s a long shot doesn't mean it can’t happen.   

Second Part

Second Part

Worked sucked. Being a sample girl sucked and since my weekend was over made it that much more difficult to stay focused. Since summer had only begun, Costco was slower for the season until it got closer to the back-to-school rush. Apparently during this slow time for the store, they felt the need for new hires for stock, who I refer to as Box Boys.

I felt pretty lavish in my hair net and ugly cap the sample company made us wear, so seeing all the cute boys being trained was irritating. One stood out, since he was the tallest among them. He attired showed his age, maybe been out of high school for a year or so, might be in college for a trade and ended up getting in here for stock. His eyes were dark, hard to tell what kind of brown they were, but they hid something. But I don't know what it was that made me caught my eye and even give my heart a stir. It was like the first time I saw my Ex, before we started dating, where I knew I was going to make that man my own. Yes, I can be a bulldozing force when it comes to something I want. 

I gathered my cart and sample boxes for the day and studied the new hires as they gave a description of themselves to the group. I waited, the tall Box Boy was going to say his intro, which could be interesting, giving me a little insight. He was cute and I’d probably see a lot of him since the Box Boys are always doing stock around the sample tables. Standard issue.

“Name’s Damien, I’m 19 and originally from the Chatham location.”

It may have been bad, but the first thought that crossed my mind was, “Challenge Accepted.” He had this deep voice, and I don’t know why, but it made me want to know more about him. The tone held something that intrigued me, but as of now, I wasn't going to make any initiating move.

Somehow I felt the need to try and get to know this guy. I didn't know what caught my eye, other than him being the only attractive one in the group, but something else made me interested. The other boys gave their spiel and one boy animated a story about his arm getting caught in a machine. Yet, this tall, skinny Damien stood out to me and I didn't know why.

My pocket vibrated and I wondered who could be texting me this early in the morning. I checked, and to my surprise my gay friend Rian was having a mini barbeque at his place. Perfect, another person who’d loved to hear about my weekend.

For the last two days since coming back, I’ve done nothing but tell my friends about my wickedly fun weekend. Jillian, one of my closest friends, was the first I told and showed a picture of Dante (after adding him to facebook and doing a little creeping). I think she was proud of me, for meeting someone to have fun with for the summer, or at least that’s what the plan was.

The Beginning of the Fun Culture

The beach called to us and we went to lie on its forever relaxing sands. At that moment there was not a thread of hate or resentment in my heart, and at first I didn't realize it. A weight had fallen off my chest and for today it remained unnoticed. Our last day in Grand Bend was spent care free and euphoric, without worries or remorse; even regret from last nights events. I was okay with everything that happened the night before and felt a little lighter. I had a bounce in my step and was suddenly happy, which was something I don’t think I've felt in awhile.

We smoked the last cigar as we bathed in the sunlight and didn't bother speaking of last nights events, for there was no need. We both knew and saw what last night contained, an unspeakable bond we had just knowing. Even when the sun went down and we finally decide to leave, we chose to embrace the weekend we had but remain indifferent about the choices that had been made.

On the ride home, as the sun dipped down behind the miles of plains that surrounded us, Emily joked about the little things that now, being away from Grand Bend, were so pointless to admit.

“Some healthy lifestyle you had, eh?” she said. “Fried food, smoking cigars, drinking a case everyday.”

“Hey, man, May 2-4 only happens once a year. So if I get once a year to be that unhealthy, then I’m going to take it.”

As the miles flew by, little bits of pain and hate that I held onto slipped through my fingers. My chest swelled then, not with air, but with excitement. I had finally stepped into Fun Culture, and not only did I love it, I embraced it. I felt powerful with this new feeling and when I realized it was me, moving on from hating and being resentful, I felt pounds lighter. What had I been missing out on? This control I felt to do whatever I wanted, felt great. I was free from demand, and hey, I only had until the end of summer to do whatever I wanted.

Knowing I was leaving made it that much more awesome. The fact that my life back home had an expiry date, made it seem limitless. What could I do first? I had met some pretty cool people this weekend, and I could maybe meet more, test the waters. Dante seemed to be already apart of Fun Culture so maybe he could show me the ropes, allow me to understand the concept of ‘no strings attached’. He seemed balanced in a way where he already knew the lifestyle, hopefully though, he wasn't tired of it.

I had to watch myself and teach myself to not get emotionally attached. Deep down though, I felt something with Dante. Yet, knowing I was leaving and moving miles away, made this feeling feel foreign. It was different, to like someone, but know you still had freedom to do whatever. Could I really accomplished something like that? Develop more than one fun boy toy, and be one of those girls that are always complaining about their relationship saying, “I just don’t feel like being in one.”

To me, that concept was weird because if you liked someone, then just be with them. In my case, no matter what, I could never be with someone because I wanted to finally have my own life to live. To not put my life on the back burner for some boy and wait for them to move forward before I could move along with my life.

Nope.

Not anymore. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, and if it meant Fun, then I was going to have a lot of fun this summer.

The First Great Night of the Summer

The beach is bright compared to the dark blue sky, with star scattering every inch of the vastness. Emily stands proud with her firework pointed out into water and I try and take pictures, failing in capturing the moment. Farm Boy had joined us on the adventure and suggests we hit up the bar with over fifty kinds of tequila.         

Kids dash around us with their own fireworks, setting them off in the sand as we head back to the main street. In front of the restaurant, people crowd the sidewalk, drunk and yelling nonsense to the party-ers on the other side. I love every second of this freedom, this drunken fun.

Dante sits across from me while Emily chats with Farm Boy about who knows what. I watch Dante as he pokes at his phone, showing me funny photos of his friends and videos he finds funny from the internet.

He has interesting eyes, with thick eyelashes that get thicker on the corners making it seem like he has eyeliner on. The way his hair was perfectly styled made me laugh, I've never seen someone so prim and proper. Or at least be interested in someone like Dante.

But he had something that really caught me off guard at my sudden interest. He told me about his Ex whom he had dated for years and then she cheated on him. I knew how he felt. And for a good quick second we gave each other a knowing look that said, "Sucks, right?" 

The way he talked about his friends, how he held them in such high regards and respect, yet joked about their idiocy. If I had to guess, I think I liked how real he was as a person that interested me the most. On a first impression basis, I would've guessed he was your regular douche, but as our conversation grew into something deeper, he drew further away from the douche bag stereotype. He started to show a goofy side even, which intrigued and I was so tempted to show a little of myself, yet I held back. 

I told him about my Ex and briefly about what I had gone through. I didn't want to say too much since I could already feel myself getting worked up.

“How many people have you been with?” he asks suddenly.

“Five.”

“Oh wow…”

“What? I’m not a slut, if that’s what your getting at.”

“Oh, no it’s not that. It just makes me seem like a bigger man whore I guess.”

I give him a questionable look. “How many have you been with?”

“Guess.”

“Um… 10?” I see the look on his face before I change my answer. “11-ish?”

He looks defeated. “I’m at 18.”

I consider the amount of people that Lukas has been with and I don’t feel too bad.

“How long have you been single for?” I ask him.

“It’ll be a year in July.”

A brick hits me. Do the math, if he had been with that many people after the break up with his Ex, I could only imagine how many people my Ex will be with. I start to drown in my anxiety as I begin to picture it, I start to relive the day I found out about the cheating. Days after that’s all I could picture was my Ex making out with some dirty girl on the dance floor than heading back to her place. My stomach turns and my tequila shot almost comes back up.

“Sorry, if you’re now disgusted with me,” Dante speaks, bringing me back to the conversation.

“No, it’s not that. That’s fine. It’s just… I can only imagine what my Ex has done since our break up…”

I mentally slap myself back to normal and feel bad for revealing some of my baggage, yet Dante had exposed his weakness, if not more. I smile and ask more questions to get off the topic as we get the bill. Dante swiftly takes the bill and pays for my drinks.

“Yeah, I got a little reckless after my Ex.”

“I’m just getting into all this,” I squeeze his hand before I pull him and my friends out of the restaurant.

Our hands interlock as we walk down the street heading toward the Villages. Lukas and Matty see us and join the group. It’s already one in the morning and everyone’s still out and about or drinking at the cabins.

“I should head back,” says Dante and I tell myself I’ll be back.

I see Emily look at me as I walk away and I hear her say, “I’ll never see her again.”

Shaking my head at her, I walk with Dante to his street, planning on giving him a kiss to remember.

“I had fun.”

“Yeah,” I look up at him, he has a nice smile too. “I did as well.”

We stop at the wrong street, but it doesn't matter, nothing going on around us matters.

“Give me one last kiss?” As if he needs to ask.

Once again I'm swept away by how well our lips find each other or how I don’t even have to try to enjoy this. I get to nerve to put my hand by his neck and jaw line, giving my kiss a little more passion. Our bodies are clothes and i give a little teasing nudge with my hips. When we break apart I let my smirk play on my lips.

“You’re going to leave me like that?” he asks more playfully than actually being mad about it.

“Have a nice night,” I say as I turn and strut my stuff back to my friends. All I could feel was a tingle on my lips and my heart off beat as I see my gang of friends eating pizza. The party haze fills the night air and all you can hear is background dance music while the streets burn with fun. 

The Best Kiss of the Night

Emily.

She’s in a sour mood. After the whole ordeal, she suddenly doesn’t want to go out tonight. We had guys walk to our room and ask to hang out, but I told them to fuck off. My entourage was already out and about while we prettied ourselves, meeting up with them later.

            “I don’t even feel like going out…” Emily says while straightening her hair.

            “What, why?”

            “All those guys just want to talk to you, like, I don’t feel like going out tonight.”

           “Why should it matter that the guys want to talk to me? You have a boyfriend who loves you, I don’t. Mine cheated on me and I’m single. Who cares.”

            “It’s just nice to get some attention,” she says. You can see that she’s actually upset about it, but it really is about the attention and at the same time, I don’t even like some of the attention I was getting.

            “Listen, those guys only talk to me because to them, I’m just a piece of meat, something to use and throw away. It that the kind of attention you really want?”

            “Well, no. But it’d be nice to get some.”

            “Don’t let this ruin your night. It’s the last one we got, so let’s get wasted and have a blast?” I give her a open mouth smile with a thumbs up but she doesn't seem convinced. “Or you can stay in the hotel and pout, because no matter what, I’m going out and I’m going to have fun tonight.”

            After another beer and another layer of mascara, we both are ready to keep the night going. Sometimes, tough love works with some people. They need that little slap in the face to loosen them up.

            My entourage and I enter ‘The village’, four cottages on one property that's enclosed by a fence to make it one big party area. Fireworks are stuffed in my pants, allowing me to have to best pick up line when people ask if they’re actually fireworks.

            “Yeah, you want to set off my fireworks?” got a few good looks saying that.

           Lukas is off talking to other girls and what’s great is that I don’t care. After our little intimacy, I didn't know how to act around him. Do I talk to him? Hold his hand? Not like I wanted too, but because hooking up that day, that make us on a date for the rest of the evening? He was acting like it didn’t happen which worked for me. I had gotten what I wanted out of him.

            The atmosphere of the party made me feel like I really did cross the line into the Fun Culture. I was feeling that euphoric scene when you've gotten a job promotion, or that won a lot of me. You feel like a baller like I owned the place and had a house on top of the world.

            I pounded my chest and felt my walls were up and had a heart of steel. This is what it was like, to be drunk, prowl around, see someone who’ve slept with before and not give a damn. It was amazing. I felt victorious, making my own history.

            My cell vibrates and it’s Dante asking if I’m coming by.

            “I’m the one with the fire works,” I reply back and actually do set off the fireworks.

            I set off two in my pants and set the two I’m holding. The roman candles blast out and the crowd backs away from me like I’m dangerous. One kid, with huge plugs in his ears, a backwards cap and a crooked smile looks at me amused, daring.

            Matty grabs one of my firing candles and shoots it off in another direction and Lukas runs over and grabs another one, then running off with it, firing it at a group of girls. My entourage disappears into the crowd of belligerent socialites after my fire goes out and I see Dante walking toward me.

            He looks at me, highly amused by my theatrics, his eyes say something else though and I couldn't quite place my finger on it. After he gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek, we start to hit it off. The conversation flows like we haven’t just met.

            Matty and Emily joined us, but more so watched since our conversation didn't break. We talked about what we had plans for in the future and where we worked. He was so passionate about his schooling in creative writing, having written his own book and created his own website for it. He had big aspirations to make it big in the publishing industry, having entered one of short stories in a completion in Toronto. Dante was animated and funny, life lighting up in his eyes when we talked about what he saw himself doing in the future.

            We touched arms and cracked jokes at one another, laughing at the fun we were having more than at ourselves. Since we were talking about things we had accomplished, I felt the need to increase my value. I started to show a little of myself, talking about all the animations I had done, and how I was moving out to Vancouver to try and get into their University for animation. I explained that I've always wanted to write and create a TV show as great as Dragon Ball Z.

            Dante laughed. “I fucking love that show!”

            I see Matty rolled his eyes, knowing this was my line to either reel the guy in, or cut him loose if he didn't know what show I was talking about.

            “Jessie, come with me to the washroom,” Emily announcing, grabbing my arm.

         “Here, you guys can use the one in my cabin,” Dante suggests and leads us away to one of the cottages.

            I stand guard as Emily does her business. The place is small and I remember Dante showing us last night. I’m still nursing a beer and talking to Dante about what kind of stuff he writes. He stops talking as I laugh at something he said and we kind of just look at each other for moment.

            “Can I kiss you?” he suddenly asks locking my eyes.

            I pause. But why not?

“Yeah, sure,” I say and let it happen.

He reaches in and pulls me to his lips and its great. There was no rhythm to get in sync with, no effort to figure out where our tongues should go. They just knew and it felt like we've kissed many times before. Finally, someone who’s in sync with me when all this time I thought I was doing something wrong. Our bodies got closer together as I grabbed his hips and put them up to mine. That's the moment my heart gave a little jump. Only a little one though, since there was no telling where this was going to lead. Every bit of me came alive, little by little, but I held back just to be safe.

When we finally broke apart at the sound of Emily coming out of the washroom, we both got this sheepish grin plastered on our faces, like we were a part of a dirty scandal.

“You’re the best kisser of the night!” I say without thinking that this could be considered offensive.

“Oh?” Dante laughs and grabs my hand.

“Come on guys, I want to light my firework off at the beach,” Emily pokes me with her roman candle and then pokes Dante. “You coming with us?”

“Yeah, I’ll come!” he gives me a smile and another kiss.

I was getting the feeling that this evening was going to be lots of fun.