Rewind pt 3

I remember the first time I saw my ex in over a month. Him deleting me from facebook was the reaction i was waiting for. Even though I didnt want to see that, what else was i to expect? I clearly played my cards right, making him jealous enough to have to get rid of me from his friends list. Sitting at Timmy's with a green tea keeping my hands warms, I looked him over. He hadnt changed. But he looked at me more expectantly. So i followed the ebooks script and our convo went like this:

"So, I think we should try and just be friends. No hard feelings you know?"

He looked at me, surprised. "Oh."

"I think that would be best."

"Okay. Let's be friends." He still looked at me like he was expecting me to get on my knees and want him back or something. Yeah, right.

So we just went into the convo as to why he deleted me.

"I didnt want to see all your photos anymore."

"I thought you said you werent ever going to be on facebook?'

".... i was on it everyday."

The nerve.

I explained how December was great. My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and OH my cat died. It was a great fucking month.

"Why didnt you tell me?" He said.

Why would? Why the FUCK would I? "You're not apart of my life anymore." was what i said. Fuck him.

He didnt like that answer. He explained that he was surprised I didnt call or text him at all (the book said no, so i didnt) GOOD, glad he didnt get what he wanted from me. It gave me value. He saw the photos of me being happy without him and he couldnt handle it. I was suddenly worth alot to lose and I was his mistake to let me go. He even said he 'found out' about me going on coffee dates (again, the plan worked perfectly) and knew i was only doing it to make him mad. GOOD. And yeah, he didnt like seeing me look sexy in that red dress at New Years when he was alone with his couples friends for that celebration. GOOD.

The best part was that his memories of that month sucked. Because I forced myself to make it seem like I was having fun, allowed me to actually have fun, in turn making that month one of the funnest to date. I had great friends who stuck around and helped me through it all and all he had was school and friends that couldnt relate because they were in relationships. Suick my fucking cock, you deserve your unhappiness, karma's a bitch, isnt it?

Rewind it Pt 2

How to Get Your Ex Back proved to be worth the 30$. I followed that thing 100% of the way, even the scripts it had out for me to send to people via text. The first step to this book was to NOT text my Ex for 21 days. So, that's what I did. It said to keep him on Facebook (since he'll be checking up on me-EVEN though during his break speech, my Ex said that he wouldn't be on Facebook at all. ... Ha!)
As I devoured every word of this book, at a sleep over with Rian (after been a week since meeting him), I even followed the step to delete my Ex from my phone. Which was the hardest step to do! Week one's step were pretty simple, post pictures of me having fun (Work Christmas party that weekend after, which Rian was at, which we took pictures together since he doesn't come across Gay until you meet him.) Never once did I check my Ex's Facebook either, I just couldn't and I'm glad I didn't because it proved to me that I was a strong person. I also was supposed to come up with a list of thing I hated about him, but of course I couldn't because I "loved" him. Shot me now, looking back on this shit. Anyways...

The first portion of this book had a lot of great advise too. He didn't break up with me because I got fat, or i was ugly or anything superficial, but that I lost my value to him. And this book was going to help me gain it back! Which it the long run, boosted my self esteem and made me happier with the outcome. It basically said, go out there and get a hobby, workout, learn something new. I took up photography and took a graphic animation online course to spend my time. Instead of moping around the house and crying into my mothers lap.

For the next week I was too go out on dates! But I couldnt. I was too heart broken to even give a guy a chance, but since the book called for it, I decided to ask out a guy on a coffee date...ish...kinda...thing. He was super nice and was down for it. And the book told me to post it on Facebook, but not be too obvious about it. So i simply put, "Out for Coffee :) ". Harmless enough. Not naming anyone, not making it seem like a big deal. The date went really well, but there was no way my heart was going to let anyone in at this point. No, I wasn't necessarily using him to get back at my Ex, he was actually someone I wanted to get to know because of our common interests with animation. But of course being with my Ex didnt allow me to go out with this guy and get to know him better!

(For a side note, second week in and I was still struggling with sleeping, smiling and coming to terms with the break up. Luckily I had my friends reaching out to me. Some just texting me to make sure I smiled that day! Others, proved that they didn't deserve my friendship and instead started causing drama and rumors about me. Even after they realized they had been wrong with their assumptions. Once a cunt always a cunt. No need for drama causing bitches in my life!)

So two weeks in, and I was still crying in my car on my way to work (Thank God for water proof mascara) I was still crying at every lovey dovey song to come on. Pink's song "Try" came out at that time. Hit me hard, that's for sure. Crying is the best therapy though. The book's next step was to message someone who was in frequent contact with my Ex, and send them something talking about the date and going out with this guy. So I did just that. I texted his friends girlfriend and literally went word for word with the books script. Worked like a charm. She ate up every word.

Week three was dreadful, and on Christmas was the 21st day. I messaged him a short, Merry Christmas, and he did reply, short chit chat, but the book said NOT to lead the conversation. So i didn't and it ended after 5 messages. Didn't message him after that. And New years eve came along and I had been saving this awesome, sexy dress for it! Me and my friends, including Rian and Derek, took loads of pictures, of my sexy dress (which got a TON of likes on Facebook, so THAT would have made the news feed!). After that, about three days after, I finally checked his Facebook. It was like giving myself a heart attack on purpose.

The worst happened.... he fucking deleted me.

Rewind it

   It order for you guys to understand how I got to where I was today, I need to rewind back to Dec 2013. A month prior things had gotten pretty rocky with me and my Ex. It was like constantly walking on eggshells, worried that with one wrong thing said, he'd break up with me. All of October was like that, ever since he had gone to school, all he wanted to do was be with his friends. I had spent the first few years of our relationship seeing him everyday and suddenly it was like he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. It was crushing! Then suddenly he doesn't think he wants to be with me anymore? When Dec rolled around I thought things had gotten better, he ever got me a Christmas gift of "how much he loved me". But in a matter of a weekend, it was over. Suddenly we're fighting, since he wanted to do school work instead of seeing me, then come to find out he wasn't doing any sort of school work by the looks of it.
  The whole jest of the conversation was him saying, "Whats really holding us together? We're not married, we don't have a kid!"
What the fuck holds a relationship together?! Are you kidding me? LOVE. A mutual attraction that two people want to be together! Millions of people join in a relationship without jumping right into marriage, or having a child together.
The one thing i COULD taste in his words, were what his friends were telling him to say. "Why are you guys really together? You're not married to her, you guys don't have a kid!" As he discussed what he was going to do with his psychotic girlfriend. But just because he didn't buy my love, like his friend, means that by all means he should end it. Right?
So just like that, it was over. I did drive to the house to see him, to be broken up with face to face. I deserved that at the least. This time was different (the last time i did this, a month ago, i was furious, storming up the to house, demanding him to grow a pair and break up with him to my face). This time though, I was calm. I wasn't even that upset, which I guess caught him off guard when I walked up the snowy steps to him and ask if this is how it ends.
And the nerve of him to say, "Call me if you need to talk, I'm still your friend."
Suck my cock buddy, or actually, go suck your buddies. Since you love him so much.

I saw Hancock that night. And cried. He gave me an awkward hug since he wasn't really familiar with these things. The next day I saw Emily, I saw friends. I needed them more than anything. I called my Ex after and asked if we were really doing the right thing. I was so blind sided by the whole thing. When you see your future with someone and they take it all away, there really is a huge hole left in you and you got no clue how to fill it.
At this point to I was seeing a Councilor, I had devolved situational depression and saw her that day to tell her about the break up. All she said to do next when I dropped off his shit, was to simply say nothing. Worked out well when I did just that, that night. My ex seemed more distraught this time around and having gone through a month of torture, trying to hold the relationship together when he clearly wasn't putting in any effort to keep it alive, I felt the first knock on my frozen heart.

Then it was the night I met Rian, the night I downloaded an e-book that helped me through the toughest time, an e-book that made me realize my own faults, a book that gave me hope and gained me my value back once more. I downloaded, "How to get you Ex Back."

Entering in Summer Fun

I stood in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. How did I get so skinny? You could see the engraved lines down to lower region and my thighs didn't touch anymore. Damn, I looked good. It was good timing to look this good, since I noticed Dante's charming and striking good looks, I was suddenly feeling insecure. How did a guy like him sudden want to be with me? To want to hang out and find me attractive where our lips find a way to each others. I never felt like this before, to solely 'want' someone. Or did I actually have feelings for him?

Nope. I need to not think of that. That's dangerous territory that he even agreed too. The one time in his car, right after we had kissed, I joked and said "Don't be falling in love now." Even though a little bit of me hoped we would, just a little bit before I left. It would make such a romantic ending to my summer before I escaped Windsor's suffocating memories.

Confidence was the key and boy was I nervous. Could I stand in the ranks of attractive, charming people? I remember thinking about all the drama those 'Pretty People' had to deal with, competition was fierce when you go up against model looking Ex girlfriends, or bright future, well rounded guys who dated those model looking girls. And then, when you think you're top five good looking in the room, you meet someone whose energy and vibrancy lights up, getting every ones attention. How do you win? How do you to stay in top spot when you've only just made it to those ranks?

As I walked back into the spare room, where Dante waited, trying to stay confident, going over everything I knew about sex, moves to throw and things to say. I could feel the strain of NOT showing how nervous I was, creeping up. Dante gave me a sexy smile and took off his shirt. For a brief moment he gave me a questionable look like he was second guessing our plans.

"So...are we..."

"We're going to have sex," I cut in more abruptly than I meant. I smile to redeem myself. "Take off your clothes."

He laughs (Thank God!) and begins excitedly ripping off his jeans. Nice body he got. Muscles, well shaped, tanned, trimmed chest, well taken care of (dah!). He sits and watches as I pull off my top and my shorts fall to my ankle revealing matching undies and bra. I tighten my stomach (silly I know, but who doesn't do that? He's hot, I needed to look like I had SOME abs).

He smiles again and grabs my hips, pulling me to him.

"I have been wanting to have sex with you, since I met you."

And that was all I needed to hear.

The Groups

Right before I was about to purpose to Dante to sleep over, Jeremy of all people came stumbling down the stairs. It was a bit of a surprise seeing him, (and weird since I haven't seen him since me and my Ex first broke up) he had his hair cut short and looked like he had been drinking too many beers in the last couple of months. He gave me a wicked grin as he eyed Dante and I, his eyebrows giving away his thoughts. He knew what we were up too.

"Sorry, guys! Was I interrupting?"

"Nah, it's fine. How've you been?"

"No, no, I don't want to disturb you guys," he turned to go up the stairs and that when I notice that someone was behind him. Weird.

Couldn't have been Hancock, since he'd have stormed down here and joined us. Maybe Jeremy brought a friend?

"So these are your friends, eh?" Dante stats pulling me closer to him.

"Well, this is like, Group #2," I answer him, "You still have yet to meet Group 1, the top group of them all!"

I had a system with my groups. I only really developed it when I started bringing new boys around. Dante and I had a on going joke, where if he failed with one group, he couldn't move onto the next one. It was our little game. Yet, it wasn't like he had anything to worry about since he'd just charm them with his good looks and outgoing personality.

He passed with flying colours with Group #4, my gay friends. The standings went like this:

Group 4 were my gay friends, they were newly acquired to my life but had quickly become an important group of people. They were easy to get along with and had some pretty good  opinions on males. So ideally, they were the first group to pass.

Group 3 was Jacob, his girlfriend Mags and Jacobs three other brothers, along with their friends. There were a pretty big group, but they were fun. They were group number three since I'd known them for the four years I dated my Ex, becoming decently close with and the people whom we took trips with. Many nights I spent playing video games in their lair, or camping trips and drunken shenanigans. So if any one could get along with such a assorted group of people, that was a pass.

Group #2 consisted of Hancock (and a few of our mutual friends) but the person to impress was Hancock himself. If Hancock didn't like you, then you were going to have a hard time making it to the final group. Hancock was my best friend, whose opinion I'd always take into consideration and who was always looking out for my best interest. And so far, he liked Dante.

Group #1 was the 'Couples" group. They'd be the ones I'd bring a boyfriend too. That group consisted of Jillian and Desmond, and Jeremy and The Snot. But from recent complications, if Dante made it to group 1, he'd only have to impress Jillian and Desmond since The Snot was no longer apart of my life (haven't chosen my Ex over me isn't being a very honest friend). And seeing Jeremy tonight, alone, could only conclude that there might be trouble in their sad bubble of a life.

So Dante hitting group #2 and passing, it was only a matter of time before he got to meet the final group.

At the moment, as I watched him talk about his schooling, all what was on my mind was to bang him. Tonight.

Work Hard and Play Hard

We obeyed no rules and took nothing for granted. I woke the next morning and felt last nights events take effect on my body, but I didn't care. We all had one last summer to do this, it seemed, before our jobs took us away and careers consumed our laid back  lifestyle.

Hancock was already awake and making a greasy breakfast which was a standard routine for morning such as this one. He handed over my phone and gave me a smirk.

“You have 20 unread messages.”

I looked. Yep, I was miss popular last night. Considering what we had done and the way it all made me feel, I was glad I didn't have it with me. Most of the messages were from Dante wanting to see me and asking to hang out. He even sent me videos of the party he had been at. The thing I found myself liking about him was his humor.

“You inviting your new man to my party tonight?”

“What? Dante? Yeah, I’ll bring him. He’s cool, I think you’re gonna like him.”

“Better! Sick of douche bags like your Ex. Don’t. Ever. Date. Him. Again.”

“I know, I know,” I say watching Hancock shake a spatula at me, flinging bites of bacon grease on the floor.

He put his hands on his hips and that’s when I notice his attire. He wore just an apron with only his under wear and socks pulled up as high as they could go.

“Hancock where the hell is the rest of your clothes?” I shake my head at him and continue going through the messages.

“This is my house! You’re lucky I’m not naked. I sleep naked you know. Freaks some girls out.”

“The ones you bring home? Really?” Again I shake my head at him, wondering where his logic was sometimes.

He had already been apart of the Fun Culture for some time now, before my first break up with my Ex. He had a girl, worth every minute of his time, she brought out a happiness in him that I never knew could exist. But then, one day after the perfect weekend together, she broke up with him. For such a good reason that it was hard for him to get over it.

Since then he had his girls, he liked his parties and developed his lifestyle and suddenly became apart of Fun Culture. Yet, it wasn't like he had a high number of people he’s slept with either, he just went out and had whatever fun he wanted.

Finally, here I was, just stepping into the Fun. Already I wanted to start racking in some numbers, not anything out of hand, but a good amount… for experience if anything. There was only one objective now, to make the summer as long as possible. Hancock talked about inviting Jeremy for tonight, joking that he was going to bail.

We ate our hangover breakfast as Matty rolled out of one of the spare rooms. Without saying much, he ate what was left of our food from last night and made his way home. I started inviting friends to Hancock's party and we started re-arranging the house to be party proof. Rian was coming without his partner and couldn't wait to stare at Dante all night. Dante was 100% down to hangout and inside grew an excitement.

I knew what I wanted that night and if things played out just right, I was going to bang Dante. I was actually glad that we didn't bang the first night of meeting, because I found that waiting this long was going to be worth it. Another boundary to push and hey, I figured waiting this week was long enough. It wasn’t going to be a one night-er, at least I didn't hope. I didn't know what Dante’s expectation of this was, nor did I, other than we just were going to have some fun. If the fun lasted until the end of the weekend, then so be it. If it lasts all summer, then this summer will definitely top them all. 

“Jeremy says he’s coming tonight,” Hancock says checking his phone.

“That’s great… I guess?”

Hancock shrugs.

“I think him and The Snot broke up. He’s all, ‘yeah I'll come hang out.’ So I’m assuming she’s not hovering over his phone to tell him not to be texting me.”

“Maybe. It’ll be interesting to see what he has to say if they did.”

“Maybe. Maybe he cheated on her.”

“Sad to say, but I hope so. Then she’d know how I felt. Stupid girl.”

  

There were boys galore, but I had my eyes set on Dante. He charmed Hancock and socialized with everyone, allowing me to talk with my friends, without having to worry about him. It was nice to know I could leave him alone and know he was going to be fine. Dante joked and did shots with Hancock, immediately becoming pals. Sometimes, Dante would look over at me and give me a sly wink and a smirk, then go back into the conversation. Boy did he know how to flirt.

Even when I joined him, he slung his arm around me, gave me a kiss on the cheek like we were an item. There was this electric pulse between us, whenever I caught his eye, I’d even think dirty thoughts, anticipating high hopes for later in the evening.

The best part about it was the fact Hancock and I put on the vinyl, played some oldies like The Eagles, and this, preppy, well put together, downtown go-er of a Italian, (Dante) knew and sang all the words. He even had a look at our collection and picked out some Led Zeppelin.

Soon we sat by ourselves in the basement after a few rounds of pool, which he so cleverly won at, and chatted on the couch. I placed my body half across him, face to face to create a more intimate atmosphere. All at once his features popped out at me and I realized why Rian thought he was so attractive. (Not to mention Rian had been creeping him the whole party.)

Dante was your conventionally pretty boy. Everything was symmetrical, and little things like his eyelashes and eyebrows, had an enhanced fullness to completely his features. You could tell that he put a lot into his appearance but at the same time it came naturally to him, you could tell. I began to like how he took care of himself. Even his smile was a skill.

He showed me homemade songs that him and his friends had done, and flipped through his phone as he told me stories of girls he had dated before. I kept asking questions because it all intrigued me, I even asked to creep their Facebook, so we did, we creeped them together. 

“I've never done something like this, you know,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

He looks at his phone thoughtfully and give me that smile I was admiring, “Talked to a girl about all these things.”

“Oh?” was all I could really reply back to him.

What was he getting at? Maybe this was just one of his ploys when he goes out with girls to sleep with them? Was this just another way to play the game? Even so, I was in this game too. Some of these ploys, used skillfully enough, might come in handy one day. They were skills that I felt I needed for the Fun Culture if I were to continue summer like this. 

It was skill to step back and live without getting attached. To have a love affair like a summer fling and be strong enough to move away to the west was the skill I needed to acquire. That's when it hit me, I was obviously attracted to Dante and enjoyed his company and wanted to hangout with him as the time if I was able. So taking the step to sleep with him was a big one. I never had a bang-buddy before and whenever I watched movies about it, it all had the same kind of ending. The two fuck-buddies ended up together. But for us, Dante and I, I was leaving and he knew it, so maybe this thing we had that was catching fire was going to be set ablaze for the summer, only because it had that all-so-mighty "Expiration Date". 

The Fun, but only for Fun Culture!

As Hancock placed the white wine on the table, excitement filled my lungs, then my stomach and then every bit of me. I think it was more of the freedom of being able to do whatever I wanted that made it that much more important to do this. He explained the wine helped the buzz last longer and made it a little better. So as we discussed the schedule of the lines of cocaine we were about to do, I could feel my phone vibrate.

It was Dante. He wanted to see me, asking what I was up too and wanting to hang out.

“Hey, Dante wants to hangout…” I say to Hancock, a little hesitant.

“What? Tonight? Dude, you're doing cocaine, you better not invite a boy that you’re wanting to bang. You need a sound mind to make decisions,” he replied, even though he did want to meet Dante because I did nothing but talk about him this past week, but he was right. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Give me your phone. So you don’t do anything you'll regret.”

I handed my phone over and he went off into one of the rooms of his empty apartment to hide it.

We sat at the glass coffee table as Hancock cut the lines, getting ready for the first round. We were already done the glasses of wine, and this was it. He rolled up a 100$ bill and did a line first. 

He handed me the bill and with confidance I placed the tip at the end of one of the lines and inhaled, all of it. You almost breathe in too much, making sure you don’t miss a molecule. Right after that inhale, you can taste the chemical in your nose and in the back of your throat. For a brief moment you wait, thinking it’s going hit you, but it doesn't. You end up sniffing like a dog, and suddenly your nose goes numb, but still you don’t actually feel it.

It’s exciting though. I laugh right after and Hancock pats me on the back, saying how proud he is, which was a ridiculous thing to say.

So while we waited for it to hit, we drank another glass of wine, cranked up the music and chatted about random shit, but overall felt great. As we talked and danced like idiots, I felt the euphoric feeling increase and everything was fantastic.

We pranced around his kitchen, throwing dance moves, getting the finger guns out, singing at the top of our lungs. Everything was stupendous. I wanted to tell everyone how awesome tonight was going.

Matty showed up and brought more cocaine, heard we were having a Movie Night and decided to join. Hancock had a pool table, so we played rounds, lines in between each, continued the madness.

It was one of those moments where you realized you've let go. I had felt so restrained with life, like I wasn't fun anymore, yet here I was, doing drugs, drinking and living carelessly. I had a boy who actually wanted to see me, a boy I could make my summer boy, to bang, to kiss and to spend time with before I move out west.

Ever since I had been back from Grand Bend, life has been more bright, more wonderful. I had seen pictures of that dreadful couple that didn't deserve happiness on Facebook, posting God-awful photos of their weekend, yet I didn't care anymore. It didn't bug me. They can be as happy as they wanted and I didn't care anymore, I felt the positive energy course through me.

Was it the cocaine? Was it my summer having an expiry date that made everything so much more awesome? I wasn't really sure but it felt great, I did feel a new found pump and thunder pressure in my heart that made me love the place I was at in my life.

We did more lines and talked about relationships. Hancock noted Jeremy's suddenly existence, texting him to hang out. Which was weird from our stand point, because Jeremy's girlfriend was crazy. We referred to her as ‘The Snot’ since she was completely stuck up. Her and I used to be friends and I thought after the break up with my Ex that she’d be one of my ‘loyal’ friends, but proved to be an enemy. She caused unwanted drama during a difficult time in my life, when I needed my friends the most. And there she was, talking shit about me behind my back. Not to mention, she forbade Jeremy to hang out with Hancock and I. It was like, as I became single, I became a threat to her.

Actually, I felt that way with my friends who had boyfriends. It was like I was a threat and that their pretty blonde friend was suddenly single and out to get their boyfriends. And The Snot made it seem like I was out to cause trouble in her perfect world, living in her parents basement with Jeremy. So she decided to become allies with my Ex instead.

Hancock one the other hand, was Jeremy’s best guy friend, but the ‘bad influence’ in The Snots eyes. When my relationship fell apart, she banned Hancock from Jeremy’s life and chose to replace him with my Ex. Which to me, made no sense.

Think about it. When I told them I was back with my Ex (after the first break up) she berated me, saying how I was stupid for giving him another chance, how he was a terrible boyfriend. When my Ex cheated on me, I broke up with him since clearly we weren't on the same page. It wasn't my fault he wanted the reputation as Cheating Scrum bag.

But The Snot decided to replace Hancock, the Bad Influence, with a Cheating Scum? She was almost asking Jeremy to cheat on her. Everyone know that’s their boyfriends do in fact take on traits and habits of their friends. That’s why guys never see their best guy friend after he gets married. No girl wants their boyfriend hanging out with single guys.

So for Jeremy to suddenly be texting Hancock to hangout seemed out of the blue. So we ignored the fact, smoked pot, drank and did the last of the coke. We had no fear in us, for tomorrow was just another adventure waiting to be discovered or at least held onto and stored for another great moment.

I felt great and sure, the cocaine was probably a big influence, but I loved my life at that moment, and saw no darkness ahead. I saw late nights, fun times, and last but not least, careless living.